So, today in Tortuguero, Ross the quirky Canadian conservationist took my father and me and two awkward Canadians named Paul and Frank on a nature hike on a mountain. Ross is a passionate, awkward biologist with an awe-inspiring mustache. Paul and Frank are awkward, white men from Calgary who say soarry and aboot. My gut tells me that they are heterosexual, but they act very much like a seasoned married couple as they share a backpack lovingly and as Paul shushes Frank for interrupting with goofy commentary at inappropriate times. From them I learned that one Canadian dollar is a looney because it has a loon on it and two looneys is twooney, but that had a polar bear on it.
I learned un montón de información hoy, so please allow me to share in this blog post that will be a novel via iPhone:
I learned that a ton of animals participate in drug use, from ants to sloths and that there are a number of plants that have the effects of hallucinogens and marijuana in this forrest. For example, if one were to dry the bark of Central American nutmeg and snort it, the effect would be similar to LSD. I saw the third most gigantic ant in the world which is a really fucking huge ant called a bullet ant because it feels like you’re getting shot when stung by this ant. I learned that ants are descended from wasps and that not very many ants get eaten so it’s good to look like an ant and there is a spider that looks like an ant, but if you count the legs it has 8. I learned that there are strangling fig trees that suffocate a smaller plant and feed off its decaying body for years and you can climb up the middle (Emma would like that I think). I saw baby bats sleeping under a giant leaf and poisonous dart frogs that were little adorable red things and a nocturnal frog that I would never have spotted on my own. I saw a spider monkey. I learned that you can pretty much eat anything a monkey can eat so if you are lost in the forrest, watch what the monkeys are eating. I learned that there are these trees that shoot out above ground roots and they will shoot out these roots in like four days and let the old roots rot to move itself closer to sunlight, so essentially if you were to set a time lapse on this tree it would basically walk itself to sun, and if discovery channel hasn’t done that they should. I saw the most amazing view of the ocean and Tortuguero and probably one of the most amazing views o my life. I learned that the larvae of the biggest beetle in the world sit inside a tree eating it for two years and that that beetle is endangered and really huge, but I didn’t see one. I learned that humming birds make nests out of spider webs and that toucans steal eggs from other birds, which is really rude of them. It was also rude of the forrest to get my brand new leggings and shoes so muddy. I learned that my brain adjusts itself to make it look like there is a lot of light in the lower levels of the forrest, but that it is deceiving and plants know that it is actually really dark. That fact really blows my fucking mind. I learned what that gross smelling fruit is that looks like a blowfish, but I forgot its name. And there is a plant with heart shaped leaves whose tubers produce progesterone which is the hormone used in many birth controls. There is a pig like creature called a Pecari or something like that, and this creature eats these roots and it makes the males less male, or androgynous pecaris, and less horny. So while other plants spend time being poisonous, this plant reduces the population of its predators over time. I learned that army ants evolved into higher beings that instead of having sight use chemical markers to sense their world. I also learned that army ants count their steps because scientists cut off small pieces of these ants’ legs and the ants could not journey home properly because the step count was different because they walked the right number of steps, but their leg length wad different so they were left to walk confusedly in circles. Which is rude of scientists. I also learned that I should always bring my iPhone with me always to instagram things because my dad’s camera ran out of battery and I’m relying on the Canadians for pictures via email.
I can’t remember anything else for right now, but this is a pretty proper representation of how cool today’s tour was.